Wednesday, September 11, 2002

I am feeling quite bitchy right now, with a dash of frustration and a big handful of listlessness tossed in. My head hurts. My throat hurts. My heart is beating abnormally fast.
I miss... things. I miss the phone calls, I miss the laughter, I miss the silly moments. I miss what was never there.
No. I don't really miss it. It's like a reflex, to say that I do. Like you immediately say "bless you" automatically when someone sneezes. It's almost an involuntary reponse over which you have no conscious control. So no. I don't miss it. But it's easier to say I do, sometimes. Otherwise there's just this vaccum there. Filled not by sadness, but neither by joy.
Then again, why the hell am I thinking about this? Right now I should only have a one-track mind. (The college-track!)

Round 1:
Calc kicked my ass. Just got back from the test. Royally fucked up. Feeling extremely un-confident. BLAH. This is not a good start. Not at all. @^#%!

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

me: we keep a hectic pace designed to break spirits and stifle creativity
him: lol bout the same as us, we have a bunch of sckool creativity stuff cuz our art department is good, but sckool spirit is really low

...I find this incredibly hilarious. One funny moment in a day otherwise characterized by gloom and nervous anticipation.

Care's on right now. And I kinda wanted to im her. But then I stopped. We don't really talk anymore, and we used to be pretty close. But now it's like... we've drifted too far apart. It's sad, really. I tried, I used to call her and try to make plans and whatnot. Usually then she'd need to call her bf or someone else, and our schedules are so busy. It's not anyone's fault. Although at times I did feel a little miffed that she's not there anymore. Well she's there. But not there. I guess that's what happens. Friends grow apart. Distance sets in. But I hope she's doing okay.

On another note, I had a calc study session with Christina. I hope it helped. Must study more later on, especially about domain and range. Who cares about domain and range?! ...Nicholson does, therefore my grade does, therefore I do. So it all boils down to this: in calc, I am but a mere puppet of Nicholson's twisted number-churning, trig-happy mind. Blah. Still got econ test to study. My god Milhiser is so, so, extremely boring. He seems to be a nice guy, it's just that he goes off on tangents, on tangents of tangents until it bears no resemblance whatsoever to economics. (example: he chased out a couple of gun-toting "guests" at a school dance ten years ago or something, without knowing they had guns.) Exciting! But it's waaay better than doing homework. So in conclusion, Milhiser's not too bad.

Monday, September 09, 2002

I guess I was really mad in the last entry. Fortunately, mom and dad seem to have made up. So now everything's peachy again. I guess they love each other, I mean, as much love as could be expected. I don't know. I hope my mommy's happy.

I want to fly. And sleep in the clouds. When I die, I want my spirit/soul/inner essence or whatever to snuggle in the fluffy clouds all day long. That'd be some eternal life. =D

Ugh. mom and dad are semi-arguing in a semi-loud...okay, very loud, voice. About the tanking stock market and how we should've sold our mutual fund and pay off the house, and how about we should've diversified our porfolio instead of lumping everything in the now-worth-next-to-nothing tech stocks. And now, mom's getting mad about dad's apparent not-sticking-to-his-position-ness. And now she's throwing words like "attitude", and "personality", all words used only in arguements/lectures/un-fun things like that. Dad says she's only arguing, mom says she wants to discuss. Stupid freaking Bush. All areas of discord in my house center around the big fat buck (now the little skinny buck), thanks to Bush Jr. and his infinite wisdom in leading our nation. I hate this.

It's weird. I know college's going to cost my parents so much money. If by some stroke of miracle I get into the school I want to go, the sticker price per year is $35,000, after tax. Four years? $140,000. And that's not even counting inflation and tuition rise.

And now the very loud voices has risen to a full-fledged shouting. This is perfect. Didn't they pay attention to newspaper experts that says fighting in front of children is detrimental to their emotional balance and sense of well-being?

Dad is such a...#@(&$#^$. ARHGHh. He's so freaking lucky to have mom. And of course he screws up. What the hell. What the hell. Mom deserves better. She really does. So I don't see a picture of an unhappy marriage. But it's not... entirely happy. It's not. I guess that's where I get my cynical view of relationships. I'm promising myself, I will never, ever, let myself be in a position like this. If I ever get marry and find myself unhappy, I will get out. I will get out because I owe it to me. And I will remember everything mommy sacrificed for me. I love her. I need to do well, and get a high high high salary, and invite her to go on cruises and spas. And give her money every month. Because she deserves that. And I'm so scared that she's only staying in this because of me, because she's used to it, because it's better than being alone. Repeat: if I ever find myself unhappy in a relationship, I will get out.

Sunday, September 08, 2002

I haven't even started on calc. I'm talking to this one of my weird and psychotic but always cool and entertaining guy friend who's pretending to be the lesbian lover of the girl whose sn the guy he hates is on. *breathes* wow. That's a mouthful.

I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about.
Really. This is just one of those pointless entries that is entirely devoid of purpose. Finished most of econ homework, didn't start on calc review. Chapter test on Wednesday, so that's not a good thing. Not at all. Why did I take calc? Why did I double in math last year, instead of saving pre-calc for this year? Momentary insanity. But I guess, if I had to do it all over again, I'd still take calc. Because it's good for me. I know it. If I can survive calc under Nicholson (and what a feat that would be!), I can pass the AP, I can blaze through business calc with ease in college or whatever. Calc is important. Must do well. Must do well. Must do well. *clicks heel three times*

Er. Some stranger just imed me with a sexualized message designed to pique my interest to perhaps engage in a bout of cyber or visit the latest xxx website. Whatever happened to the good-old days of lame pick-up lines in a sleazy bar? Technology really changes everything.

Some people!
chad: yeah they are now thats skool started, hehe wut r u doin on so late?
me: setting up a blog
me: I'm joining the "plaster my innermost thoughts on virtual paper" crowd
chad: my friend next to me says only queers do blogs

Psh. What do they know? It's common knowledge that only the coolest, most interesting people post their lives up on the web for the world to peruse.

College Smollege
I worked out at Spec for 2 hours today. Actually, it was more like talking for one hour. I saw Chelle. I'm so jealous of her GPA and her class rank. I hate her. Well, no. I don't hate her. I just hate the fact that I don't have her grades. Blah. My quite-respectable SAT score? Little consolation. Stupid people trying to make SAT not a big deal. Well, it is a big deal! I studied, and I've done decently. And isn't that what counts in college? Tests and essays? So see, I've already got 50% down.

I guess we'll see what happens. I was flipping through my planner yesterday, and it's eerie that in a very short several months, I'd know where I'm going to spend the next four years of my life. Four years! With job and grad school ramifications. I hate that. I'm going to rant so much on LBD about college. About me not getting in college. About me getting in only crappy colleges. I'm sick of college apps. I'm tired of me stressing non-stop about this. But I can't help myself. It's a sickness, it's a sickness I tell you!